How to let go of the past completely and forever

Featured by Nicole Powell

Leave the past in the past. I’m sure that you’ve heard this before, but this is one of those things that are easier said than done. So, how do you let go of the painful memories from your past, when it’s all that you seem to hold onto? Well, in this blogpost, I’m going to share with you, how to let go of your past completely and forever. If you’ve been struggling to let go of your past, read on to find out how to finally live a life free from painful memories of the past.

Practise the Ho’oponopono technique

I can see you rolling your eyes at this, ‘what is this woman going on about?’ ‘Is that even a word?’ What is Ho’oponopono, and how can it help you to let go of your past? According to an article on https://hooponoponomiracle.com, Ho’oponopono is said to be one of the most effective and powerful spiritual healing techniques. It’s an ancient Hawaiian forgiveness technique and self-healing practice. It frees you from painful memories of the past, forgiveness of yourself and others, and shifts the way you feel about yourself. I came across the Ho’oponopono technique when I was searching for answers to rid myself of painful memories. It’s quite a simple yet effective way to practise self-love, self-compassion, and forgiveness, not only towards others, but more importantly towards yourself. This is how it works: sit in a quiet room, still your mind, and repeat the following mantra: ‘I am sorry’. ‘Please forgive me’. ‘Thank You’. ‘I love you’. This mantra of the Ho’oponopono technique was developed by Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len and it has reportedly helped many people rid themselves of painful memories and trauma, as well as enable them to have compassion for themselves. This mantra is not something that you can say once, and never say again, it’s not magic, but with consistency in saying it, I guarantee you that you’ll finally begin to let go of your past and start loving yourself for the person you are today.

Practise mindfulness

Focus on the present, that’s essentially what mindfulness is. You can’t be mindful of your current life if you’re busy ruminating on your past. The two just don’t go together. Practising mindfulness is not some woo woo mystical thing, in fact it’s essential for your mental health, in a world where there are so many distractions.  When you focus on what is, instead of what was, it puts you in a mindset of being mindful. Here’s how you can practise mindfulness as a technique: go into a room and choose a single object in the room, set a timer, and focus on the object for 5 minutes, observe its texture, shape, and colour, feel it if you need to. This technique helps to rid your mind of any distractions or rumination of the past and keeps your focus on the present moment. Schedule time each week to practise this mindfulness technique, increase the time to one minute each week, and watch how your mental health changes for the better. Too many times, we allow ourselves to be distracted by our phones, social media, the news, and quite frankly, things that are insignificant to our lives. When was the last time you took some time out to be mindful of your surroundings? Fill your life with activities that are important and beneficial to you, practise the mindfulness technique at least once a week, and you’ll see a big difference in the way you relate to the world, and most importantly to yourself. Your mindset will take on a whole new level of thinking-and being.

Write your past self a forgiveness letter

Words are powerful. I am a firm believer that words carry life. Afterall, in the beginning was the word, and the word was God. One of the most effective and powerful ways for you to let go of your past, is to write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Tell your past self, how sorry you are for treating her the way you did, because you did not know better. Tell her that you forgive her for her mistakes and misjudgements, for her inadequacies and lack of knowledge. Tell her whatever you want her to know, she’s listening. Don’t hold anything back. You may find that writing yourself a forgiveness letter is therapeutic, and you may release emotions in the form of crying, let it all out. When you’re finished with writing the letter, burn it. Watch it slowly burn as you release her-your past self. Make sure that you’re burning the letter in a safe area (safety is always first). When you’re done with burning the letter, you’ll feel a sense of calm. You could repeat this as many times as you wish. The magic is in the consistency. You may need to write several letters before you’re able to finally let go of that past girl you used to be, it’s OK, take your time, you’ll get there.

Create positive ‘I am’ affirmations

Can I tell you a secret? The fact is, I’ve created personal ‘I am’ affirmations, and they’ve gotten me through some of my most difficult times. Affirmations are like little soldiers fighting your battles. They are the boost you need when you’re feeling down, there’s just something about positive affirmations that give you the oomph you need. Affirmations can be used for any era of your life-both the present and past. But since, this blog post is about letting go of your past, I’ll focus on positive affirmations that you can use to help you to let go of your past. Some of the affirmations that you can use (and what I’ve used) are: ‘I am grateful for my past self, but now it’s time to let her go’. ‘I am ready and capable of moving on with my life’. ‘I am attracting great things and people in my life’. ‘I am not a prisoner of my past’. ‘I am a better person because of my past experiences and for that I am grateful’. ‘I am a warrior, not a worrier’. Those are just some of the affirmations I use, feel free to use them, or create your own. Repeating positive affirmations daily, that are specifically geared towards tackling the painful memories of your past, is a step in the right direction towards letting go.

Realise that you can’t change the past

Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s like saying that the sky is blue, right? Well, sometimes, the most obvious things are the things that we don’t do. This is where mindset comes in. Having a positive mindset, such as realising that the past is the past, will save you from having the proverbial headache. But how do you come to the realisation that you can’t change the past? Admittedly, this is not as simple as it seems, and it will take a lot of inner work on your part. If you practise the techniques mentioned in this blog, over time, you’ll wake up one day, and realise that you no longer dwell on the past. But, to get to this point, you’ve got to do the necessary work.

So, now that you’ve read how to let go of the past completely and forever, would you be trying any of the techniques I mentioned? Comment in the comment section and let me know some of the techniques that you’re using, or have used, to help you to let go of the past.

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Until we meet again on these pages, take care of yourself and each other.

5 habits that drain your energy and how to change them

Featured by Nicole Powell

Sis, have you been feeling drained lately? I’ll be the first to put my hands up. Girl, I’m with you. I get it.

With all that’s going on in the world today, feeling sapped comes with the territory. However, outside of that, there are habits that you may be engaging in that also drain your energy. And no, I’m not talking about watching the news on the television, AKA ‘Tell-lie-vision’.

In this blog post, I share with you 5 habits that you may be engaging in that drain your energy and how to change them. Let’s go!

Habit number 1: Gossiping

 I may have hit a nerve with this one-ouch! If you’re anything like me sis, you grew up around your mama and dem huddling talking about someone-the next-door neighbour who most likely was a woman, or anyone who their tongues lashed onto. And so, it’s no surprise that you engage in gossiping. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that we must continue with the mess-because that’s what it is girl, some mess. Gossiping serves absolutely no purpose, and it drains you of your energy. Have you ever finished gossiping about someone and you feel bad about yourself? This is because innately you know that it’s not something positive to do.

How to change the habit: Time spent gossiping could be spent improving yourself. Read a book. Write in your journal. Create art. Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Or just sleep! Get your zzzz’s on. A good way to start tackling the habit of gossiping is to ask yourself the following questions: is this serving me? How does me talking about the next woman put money in my bank account? Is what I’m saying true? Even if it’s true, do I need to say it? Is what I’m saying any of my business? When you answer these questions for yourself, you will see that gossiping does not serve you, and that it’s a complete waste of your time and energy.

Habit number 2: Staying committed to that ‘F’ boy

Sis, you need to throw the whole ‘F’ boy away. Throw him in the thrash, where he belongs. Stop calling his phone for the 99.9 millionth time. Stop texting him (he saw the text and left you on ‘read’). Stop posting sexy pictures on Instagram with subliminal messages-girl he doesn’t care. Sis, just stop with the shenanigans. You deserve better. You are a Queen, start acting like one. There’s nothing that drains your energy like staying committed to a man who doesn’t value or respect you. Yeah, that ‘D’ might be A+ but what about your mental health? What about your peace? What about your physical health? Value yourself enough to give your body, your time, and your energy to a man who deserves you. I speak from a place of love, not judgement, because I too in the past gave myself to ‘men’ (and I use the term ‘men’ loosely) who didn’t deserve me one bit. But we move!

How to change the habit: The first step is to realise that you are a Queen! Queens don’t settle for less than they deserve. Queens don’t lower their standards. Queens don’t entertain ‘F’ boys. Once you recognise your worth, you’ll start to act accordingly. After you’ve come to your senses (because girl, you must have lost the good sense that God gave you, to be chasing behind that ‘F’ boy); start implementing practical ways to cut off communication with him. For example, when you’re tempted to call him, call one of your girl friends instead. Limit your time spent on social media to avoid seeing his posts. Start hanging out in spaces where you can meet good eligible men. Start a hobby to keep your mind occupied. Girl, whatever you do, drop that ‘F’ boy.

Habit number 3: Hanging around negative friends

Negativity is all around us. And sometimes, it rears its ugly head in the people who we spend the most time with-our friends. Sis, that friend who always has something negative to say when you share good news. The one who likes to put a damper in your spirit whenever you’re in a good mood. The one who never validates your feelings. The one who judges you. The one who passes off rude comments as jokes. That’s her! Miss Negative Nancy. Hanging around friends like this is damaging to your psyche. And it drains your energy. Run sis, run!

How to change the habit: Limit the amount of time you spend around your negative friends. The less time you spend around them, the less time you are subject to their negativity. Find something constructive to do instead of wasting time dwelling in their pessimism. And depending on their level of negativity, you may just need to sever your relationship with them. Sis, do what you need to do for your sanity. Always put YOU first.

Habit number 4: Thinking negatively about yourself

A positive mindset is one of the best tools that you can have. A positive mindset begets a positive life. Conversely, a negative mindset begets a negative life. It’s very easy to get caught up in thinking negatively about yourself. At one point in my life, I was the chairwoman of the ‘thinking negatively about yourself’ committee. So, I think I am more than qualified to address this issue. This is how it works; one negative thought leads to another, and another, and another, and another. You get the point. Before you know it, your mind is filled with all types of destructive thoughts about yourself. Thoughts about how inadequate you are, how unattractive you are and how unaccomplished you are. Ruminating on negative thoughts about yourself is a useless exercise, drains your energy and toxic to your mental health.

How to change the habit: Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Easier said than done, I know. Remember, I was the chairwoman of the ‘thinking negatively about yourself’ committee, until I finally handed in my resignation. So, I know a thing or two about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You might be wondering how to do this. Sis, I’ve got you. What has worked for me is to write positive affirmations on sticky notes and stick them on my mirror, so that each time I look at myself, I recite the words. Overtime, you start slowing erasing the negative thoughts, and one day it hits you like an epiphany that you are ‘that girl’. The girl who thinks positively about herself. Remember that ‘Repetition is the mother of learning, the father of action, which makes it the architect of accomplishment’ (Zig Ziglar).

Habit number 5: Comparing yourself to the next girl

Comparing yourself to the next girl is such a waste of your precious time sis. Who has time for that? Do you? Because I certainly don’t. I know that social media makes it so much easier to compare yourself to the next girl, with everyone showcasing their ‘best life’, but at some point, you’ve got to be in tuned with your own life. Get in tuned with your truth, your reality, your existence. Sis, do yourself a favour and get off ‘the gram’. Get off face book. Instead of being on face book for half of the day, how about looking within and facing yourself? Unless you’re doing something meaningful on social media, what are you doing sis?

How to change the habit: Schedule time where you take social media breaks, this is so important for your mental health. Delete the social media apps off your phone, and when you do get back to using them, limit yourself to a set time-10 or 15 minutes of down time (if you’re pushing it-20), but not hours of aimless scrolling. Mindless scrolling on social media is toxic and drains your energy. Not to mention it fuels your need to compare yourself to the next girl. And that’s what we’re not gonna do!

Conclusion: These are just some of the habits that drain your energy, there are lots more. Do you resonate with any? We’re all human sis, and we’re all evolving (no judgement from me!). I’m just here to inspire you to be the best version of yourself, by sharing the lessons that I’ve learned along my own journey.

Let’s have a conversation in the comment section. Can you think of any other habits that drain your energy? How are you shifting your mindset to change them? Let me know girl. I would love to hear your thoughts. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog on your way out, so that you won’t miss when I post. Thank you for reading and I hope that you took something valuable away from the post. Until next time, we’ll meet again on these pages.

6 life lessons you need to learn

by Nicole Powell

If you are anything like me, you are constantly soul searching. You have made lemonade with the lemons you were given, and now you are ready to receive the hard lessons that you didn’t know you need-until you needed them. I have complied 6 life lessons that I had to learn, some the hard way, and that you need to learn too. If you’d like to know what they are, I invite you to read on.

Don’t take things personally

What people do or say has absolutely nothing to do with you, even if they do or say it to you. I know! It sounds crazy, but I’ll explain why. People’s actions and words are a projection of their insecurities onto you, and as the saying goes ‘hurt people, hurt people’. When someone offends you, by word or deed, it is our human nature to take it personally. When you get to the point of realising that they are simply projecting their insecurities, fears, hurts etc. onto you, you feel empathy for them. It is never about you, but about them! You are simply a vessel that they choose to pour their personal issues into.

I used to take everything personally-everything! When I finally learned that what people do or say is not about me, but about them, it changed my life. And I rarely take things personally today. I owe this life lesson to the book, ‘The Four Agreements’ by author Don Miguel Ruiz. ‘Don’t take things personally’, is the second agreement. Here is a snippet from that chapter. ‘If someone gives you an opinion and says, “Hey, you look so fat”, don’t take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators’.

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If you’d like to purchase ‘The Four Agreements’, please click this link

Everyone is doing the best they can

We’re all doing the best we can at any given moment, with the tools we have. In the same way that a carpenter and a plumber have tools in their tool boxes that are different to the other, so is each person equipped with different tools: gifts, mind-sets and life experiences.  I believe that we were given different tools to work with, just like the carpenter and the plumber. Our actions are a direct reflection of the tools we have and how we choose to use them. People do what they do because they are using the tools that they have in their tool box. You can’t expect someone to show empathy when it is lacking in their tool box. Perhaps growing up, their parents didn’t show compassion when they needed it most. Someone, whose childhood was filled with sadness and turmoil, may find it hard to be joyful when they come into adulthood.

If you can look at people’s actions as coming from a place of hurt, and that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have, you’d begin to see them through different lens. When I learned that I need to give grace, not only to myself, but to others, it was a game changer.  I am not saying that people should be satisfied with the tools that they were given, and never strive to fill their boxes with the equipment that they need to be the best version of themselves. But, if you have an understanding that people are doing the best they can, with the tools they have, you learn grace.

Relationships are for a reason and a season

This was a hard pill for me to swallow. Relationships, be it, friendships or romance, are for a reason and a season. People come into your life to teach you something-about the world and most importantly-about you. I had to learn that people are not meant to stay, and that’s ok. Very few of us are blessed to have the people who played with us on the playground, from when we were kids, still around today, as friends. Most of us are not so blessed. It doesn’t mean that either you or they are bad people; it just means that your season in each other’s life is over.

When you grow, your relationships either grow with you, or they die. Just as nature causes the trees to shed their leaves in the autumn to make way for new leaves to spring forth, life will prune your relationships, making room for new people and experiences. We must be grateful for the friendships and romantic relationships that we cultivated, that are no longer a part of our lives. We must thank them for serving the purpose for which they were intended. And then we must lovingly let them go, knowing God brought you together so that you can learn what you needed to learn-about you, them and the world. When I finally learned this lesson, it blew my mind.

You are owed nothing

No one owes you anything. The world owes you nothing. You are not owed an apology, an explanation, closure, or even a ‘thank you’. See, I used to think that I was owed-all of the above. ‘How dare they?!’ I’d say to myself, until I learned that people do not owe me a darn thing. Ouch! Imagine the shock that jolted through my body when I learned that one! When we feel entitled to an apology, closure etc. our egos are at play. Whenever we feel entitled to others energy, company and space, there goes that three letter word again-ego. And by ‘we’, I also mean, ‘me’. I too was there for many years, stuck in the pit of ‘entitlement’, until I learned that the only person who owes me anything is ME!

I had to learn to give myself the closure that I craved, and not to seek it from the other party involved. And I also had to learn that were I to wait for an apology from some people, I’d be waiting to my grave. When I grasped that lesson, only then was I able to move forward. Instead of waiting on someone, the world, to give you what you desire or feel you are owed; give yourself the things you seek. Trust me; you’ll be better for it. Why don’t you start giving yourself what you so desperately crave from others?

Forgiveness is for you, not them

I have struggled with forgiveness for years. And dare I say I know that I am not alone in the struggle to forgive. I held onto hurts refusing to let them go. I wore them on my chest as a badge of honour. Sounds familiar? I stayed in victimhood for a very long time. ‘How could he do that to me?’ ‘How could she do that to me’? ‘How dare they?!’ Like a hamster running on a wheel, this narrative ran through my mind. I felt that holding onto my pain and what ‘they’ did to ‘me’ was somehow punishing them. It sounds silly, doesn’t it? But as silly as it sounds, it is what we do. We somehow feel that by holding the person in our hearts and refusing to forgive them, we make them pay for what they did to us. I knew I had to change, and so I sought relentlessly to learn how to forgive. Through prayer, meditating on the word of God, journaling and reading literature on forgiveness, I learned that forgiveness is for you, not them. Forgiveness unlocks so many things in your life. It opens the door to freedom, peace and prosperity. When you truly forgive, you unblock your heart chakra and release all the trapped negative emotions, and you open your life to the abundance that God and the Universe have for you.

I guarantee that if you are harbouring un-forgiveness in your heart, you will never truly experience life the way God wants you to, because you are too busy holding onto grudges. I can speak on this, because that was me. I’m not perfect, and there are days when I want to revisit my past and ruminate, but I am definitely a lot better than what I used to be. I read a book, ‘Radical Forgiveness’, by author Colin Tipping, and it changed my life, where forgiveness is concerned. I highly recommend that book if you are struggling with forgiveness. The author said this, and it stuck with me: ‘we too, are completely capable of whatever the accused person has done. If we are acquainted with our shadow self, we know that we all have within us the potential to cause harm’. Tipping also said,’ whenever someone upsets us, we must recognize it as an opportunity to forgive. The person upsetting us may be resonating something in us that we need to heal, and in that case, we can choose to see it as a gift-if we care to shift our perception.’

Affiliate Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, please read my disclosure for more information.

If you’d like to purchase ‘Radical Forgiveness’, please click this link

Everything is exactly as it should be

The other day I found myself ruminating on the past and wishing that a lot of things were different. I started to think, maybe I shouldn’t have said something that I said, did something that I did, entertained that person, and the list went on. I was driving myself mad trying to reshuffle the past, which is an obvious pointless exercise because the past cannot be changed. We all know that we cannot change the past but we spend hours thinking about the ‘what ifs’. Like an epiphany, it dawned on me that everything is exactly as it should be.

Every mishap, mistake, bad judgement, ill spoken word or deed led me to the path I am on today. And so it is for you too. Life is not a smooth path, there are many bumps in the road, but it’s overcoming the obstacles that make the journey worthwhile. A smooth sea doesn’t make for a good sailor. Everything that happened in the past, took you, me, to the present moment. One different decision could have taken you to an entirely different path. That person had to break your heart and betray you in order to make room for the people who will treat you right. Nothing happens by chance. And everything happened for a reason and brought you to where you are today.

Of the 6 life lessons I mentioned, which ones have you learned or have yet to come to terms with? I’d like to hear from you! Comment in the comment section and let’s have a conversation.

Four Strategies to overcoming perfectionism

by Nicole Powell

Welcome back to my blog. Grab a drink and make yourself comfortable because I am dropping gems. If you have been reading my blog posts (if you haven’t, I invite you to take a pause and read the previous posts), you would know that I have created a mini-series about perfectionism. I wanted to share what I learnt from my experiences as a self-professed perfectionist who’s working on overcoming that hurdle. In my last blog post, I wrote about three steps to overcoming perfectionism. In this post, I cover four strategies to overcoming perfectionism. Without further ado, let’s dive in.

Set realistic goals

When you are an overachiever A.K.A a perfectionist, you tend to set goals that are grandiose. And when you do not accomplish these goals, it leads to disappointment. The antidote to this is to set realistic achievable goals. I have found that when I set goals that are realistic, it prevents me from spending an elaborate amount of time on huge projects. When I do things in bite size form, I see more results. Remember, you can start small and build your way up. Each small task adds up to a sizeable outcome. Remember the saying; Rome was not built in a day!

Stop procrastinating

The reason you procrastinate is because you want things to be perfect, whatever ‘perfect’ is. Procrastination is a delay tactic. You want to do something but you keep putting it off because you tell yourself that the circumstances are not quite right; you don’t have the correct tools to start, you lack money, or you don’t fit the bill (Insert your excuses here). But, all you need to do is start! Jump and build your wings on the way down, you’d be OK, trust me! I have found that making a ‘to do’ list with three tasks, helps greatly in curbing my perfectionism. The tasks needn’t be big; you can increase the intensity as you get better at finishing things. As you complete a task tick it off, and then move onto the next until all three are done. Having a ‘to do’ list allows you to maintain focus and keep your perfectionism in check.  For example, the three things on my ‘to do’ list for today are: to pamper my hair (girl I am sitting with henna in my hair as I type this), draft a blog post (this post that you are reading), and go to the gym. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. P: S: no birds were killed in the process of creating this blog post!

Stop negative self-talk

‘I am not good enough ’. ‘I am not pretty enough’. ‘ I am afraid to do it’.  Sounds familiar? Allowing negative self-talk to dictate how you live your life is like allowing someone to live in your house rent free, eat all your food, wear your clothes, not do any chores, and lay on your expensive leather couch all day watching Netflix. You’d kick that person out on their behind, right? Likewise, you’ve got to kick the negative thoughts out of your mind and replace them with positive ones. Start by affirming: ‘I am good enough’. ‘I am beautiful just the way I am’. ‘I can do it afraid’. One of the ways to overcome perfectionism is to affirm, affirm, affirm, and then affirm some more! Your words are powerful; the universe is listening.

Spend time meditating

You are probably wondering what meditation has to do with overcoming perfectionism. I was just like you once upon a time. Then, I started to meditate and experienced a change in my mind-set. What do all perfectionists have in common? I’ll give you a moment to think about it…….. Have you guessed it? I’ll take ‘they like to be in control’ for 1000 Alex! If you’ve guessed that, you hit the nail on the head. Perfectionists like to know that they can control an outcome. But sometimes, things happen that you cannot control, this is the very essence of the thing we call ‘life’. And this is where meditation comes in, because it helps you to be in the present moment, to sit in the stillness and just be. It is ultimately about letting go of the need for control, and allowing your thoughts to flow freely. It allows you to release judgement of yourself. It teaches you to be compassionate towards YOU.

And there you have it, four strategies to overcoming perfectionism. I hope that you have found this blog post helpful in some way. I would love to hear from you. Do you have any strategies that you use in the quest to overcoming perfectionism? If so, share them in the comment section. Until we meet on these pages again, bear this quote from Anne Lamott in mind: ‘Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life’

Three steps to overcoming perfectionism

by Nicole Powell

Hello my lovelies, in my last blog post I wrote about ‘what you need to know about perfectionism’. If you haven’t read that (yet), what are you waiting for? I will pause while you go and read the gems that I dropped in that post (if I may say so myself). OK, now that you are back, and I have your undivided attention, I am beginning to think that I may create a mini blog series about perfectionism…hmmm…food for thought. When I started to blog about the ‘P’ word I didn’t think that I’d enjoy writing about it so much, but here I am, two blog posts in.  I like to think of myself as a critic of perfectionism, having been (and somewhat still am) a victim held in its clutch. But I am definitely making great progress and beginning to finally let go of the idea that I need to be perfect. And this is why I believe that I am qualified to talk to you about it. Read on for three steps that I am using in my journey to overcoming perfectionism, and that you can too.

Admit that you have a problem

Admittance is always the first step towards overcoming any problem; ask any drug or alcohol addict and they’d tell you this. A perfectionist problem is that their insecurity and fear are daintily disguised as their need to be perfect. One day I had to look myself square in the face and take accountability. I had to admit ( hard as it was) that I have a problem. I realized that unless I tackle this issue head on, I will continue to live my life a slave to nit-picking and obsessive meticulousness, which will ultimately wreak havoc on my mental health.

Recognize that you will never be perfect

This is the second step following admittance. Perfectionism is a myth, and in my opinion instils a sense of false security in over achievers (like me). You need to look yourself in the mirror and recognize that you are perfectly imperfect. Say an affirmation if that helps you. I use this one; ‘I will never be perfect and I am OK with that’.  

Create strategies to solve the problem

So you have completed the first two steps towards overcoming perfectionism; what I like to call foundational tools in the fight against it. The third step is to create strategies to solve the problem. Without executing this step, the others are futile. This is where you now need to have an action plan to deal with your perfectionism. You need to have strategies that will effectively combat your perfectionistic ways. And because I am a good friend (inserts smiley face here), I have created some that will help you to do just that.

If you want to know about these strategies, stay tuned for my next blog post. I told you that I am thinking about doing a mini blog series about perfectionism, didn’t I? Well, looks like it’s been decided! Stick around for my upcoming post in this mini-series where I will cover four strategies to overcoming perfectionism; coming to a blog near you!

If you found this information helpful in any way, comment in the comment section and let me know. Until then, I leave you with this Egyptian proverb; ‘A beautiful thing is never perfect’.

What you need to know about perfectionism.

by Nicole Powell

 I had an idea floating around in my head to do a blog post about perfectionism. I grabbed pen and paper to jot down the points I wanted to write about. My grand plan was to write, upload the post, and be on my merry way. Sounds easy right?

 Well, several hours later, I sat looking at my scrap book plastered with what seemed like a million possible blog titles and several bullet points with red lines running through them. It was as if they were screaming for me to just pick one-any one! I spent hours trying to get the right words, the right title, the right tone, the right…………your guess is as good as mine!

 That was a month ago, and the blog post still has not been posted-well until now. I finally got tired of trying to do things perfectly, because who has time for that? Yes, you guessed it; ‘no one’ has time for that. Bingo!

I feel like I am a perfect candidate to talk about perfectionism as I have always struggled with the ‘P’ word, and clearly I still do. If I were to give my personal definition of perfectionism, it’d be that it is insecurity and fear masked as excellence.  

Perfectionists are afraid to put themselves out there, to throw caution to the wind, and do what they are called to do, because they are insecure. Well, since I have nominated myself as the poster child for perfectionism, you might want to stick around to hear what I have to say. These are the things you need to know about perfectionism.

It leads to time wasting

There is no one who wastes time like a perfectionist. Trust me, I am the president of the time wasting committee because of my perfectionism. Time wasting is a direct result of trying to do everything perfectly. It is not that perfectionists deliberately waste their time; in their minds, they are spending their time, (albeit an entire day), trying to perfect something, which to them makes it justifiable.

The problem with taking a gazillion hours to create that something- a blog post, a YouTube video, a report at work, is that while you are trying to create the perfect thing, someone else is miles ahead of you. And that person has already written a blog post, posted a YouTube video, and handed in their report at work. In the meantime, the perfectionist, we’ll call her ‘perfect Patty’ has not completed a single task on her ‘to do list’.

It sabotages your goals

If you look at ‘perfect Patty’s’ scrap book or vision board, you’ll see a list of perfectly coordinated written goals, with dates assigned to each. That is all well and good, until it comes to the actual execution. Perfectionists are known for setting goals and never actually fulfilling them, or if they do fulfil them, they are behind schedule.

While ‘perfect Patty’ takes forever and a day to complete a task, time favours the next person, we’ll call this person, ‘imperfect Irene’. ‘Imperfect Irene’ does not care about being perfect because she knows that perfection is a myth. So while ‘perfect Patty’ is busy sabotaging her goals by procrastinating, ‘imperfect Irene’ is completing tasks in a timely manner, smashing her goals and living her best life!

It ultimately leads to unhappiness

Yikes! No one wants to be unhappy and no one sets out to be unhappy. But hey, life happens. Although unhappiness is caused by a plethora of things, I dare to say that perfectionism is one of those things. When you hold perfectionism dear to your heart, it does you no good. A ‘perfect Patty’ is never satisfied with her achievements or progress and this can have a negative impact on mental health, ranging from anxiety to depression. In trying to become perfect, you realise that you will never be perfect, which for a perfectionist, creates a whirlwind of debilitative emotions. 

So what if your first Podcast, published book or YouTube video isn’t perfect? I have news for you. They do not need to be perfect. All you need to do is create. Put yourself out there if you want to achieve your goals. Perfectionism is a lie that was fed to us; a belief that has been embedded into our psyche that needs to be unlearned. Let’s kick perfectionism to the curb and be more like ‘imperfect Irene’; messy, flawed, and committed to doing things imperfectly while achieving our goals and living our best lives.

Are you a ‘perfect Patty’ or an ‘imperfect Irene’? How has perfectionism played out in your life? Comment in the comment section and let’s talk about it. In my next blog post, I will be addressing how to overcome perfectionism.  Until we meet on these pages again, I implore you to throw all your limiting beliefs out the window and start living the life you were created to live.

7 ways to boost your mental health during a lockdown.

by Nicole Powell

We have all been placed in a time out by the Universe; at least that is how I feel about being in lockdown. This period will either break us or make us. We can either use it for reflection or distraction. Some of us will become stronger, while some of us will succumb to the unfamiliarity of being locked indoors with no social interactions outside the confines of our homes. During this time it is pivotal that we take care of our mental health. Read on for 7 ways to boost your mental health during a lockdown.

Meditate

To some, meditation sounds like foo foo but it actually works. I admit, the ‘some’ I speak of, was actually me-at first. Guilty as charged! Fast forward….. I have been practising meditation for some time now. It has really helped to keep my anxiety in check. There is something soothing about closing your eyes and tuning out the distractions. You do not need to be a Buddhist or high up on the spirituality chain to practise this ancient art. In its simplest form, all you have to do is close your eyes, sit in a quiet place and be still. Let your spirit do the talking. At first, it will seem weird, and your thoughts will pop up randomly, let them. Overtime your mind will become an empty slate and you will begin to tap into the silence. While meditating, feel free to have an incense of your choice burning. I love cinnamon or frankincense!

Eat healthily

You are probably eating a snack while reading this. You might want to swap that chocolate bar for a banana. I’ll wait……… Ok, now that I have your attention, read on. So, if you are like me, you work from home now, which means that you are spending more time in the house. And more time at home translates to more snacking, and frequent trips to the refrigerator (guilty as charged-again!). Increasing your consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, and water, will help to keep your body functioning at its optimal level. A healthy body equates to a healthy mind.

Read

Being in a lockdown is the perfect time to catch up on your reading. I would recommend getting your hands on self-help and motivational books. Because you need all the inspiration and motivation you can get at this time. These types of books offer valuable teachings, and force you to reflect on your life. They allow you to regroup and refocus. Some of the books that have helped me on my path are: ‘The Celestine Prophecy’, ‘The subtle art of not giving a f**K’, ‘Radical forgiveness’, ‘The 33 strategies of war’ and ‘The four agreements’.

Be present

It is easy for us to get caught up in what is happening in the world with the coronavirus pandemic, and understandably so. We can find ourselves glued to our television sets watching the latest developments unfold, or reading the newspapers horrific headlines. This can be detrimental to our mental health. Tune out the distractions and be present. When you find your mind wandering, find one thing to focus on. This can be as simple as looking at your fingers. Really observe them, look at how each one is different in length, the shape of your nails, and the ridges on your knuckles. Or, when you are washing your hands, be in that moment fully. How does the water feel against your skin? How does it sound trickling in the sink? Take it all in.

Journal

If you have never written in a journal before, now is a great time to start. After all, you have nothing but time on your hands. I have been journaling for a long time, and it has helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life. Journaling is a great way to document your thoughts and feelings. And a great stress reliever. You don’t need to have the writing skills of Jane Austen or J.K. Rowling to start! Who’s judging? All you need is a quiet place, and some pen and paper. You can write about anything-your aspirations, challenges, fears, what you are grateful for, the list is endless. There is no right or wrong way. You don’t have to go out and buy a fancy journal with glitter on it (unless you are obsessed with glitter, hey we all have our obsessions, no judgment here). You can simply use a scrap or a note book. Start journaling and thank me later.

Exercise

Gyms are closed temporarily as governments try to curb the spread of coronavirus. Their closures serve as a good excuse for not exercising. Isn’t that right? Wrong! Just because gyms are closed doesn’t mean that we have to become couch potatoes. Exercise does not have to be a strenuous routine on a treadmill, or elliptical trainer . It can be as simple as doing squats, lifting some light weights, or doing some vigorous stretches. All of these can be done in the comfort of your living room. And depending on the type of accommodation you live in, you can even walk a few laps around your compound. So get up off your couch, and get moving! Remember, when your body is healthy, so too is your mind.

Rest

We can meditate, and eat healthily, read , be present, journal and exercise all day long. However, if we do not rest it defeats the purpose. None of us are super beings. For those of you who are Christians, it is said that even the Creator rested on the seventh day. You need to rest so that your mind gets a break from what is happening globally. You can choose to sleep, or lie on the couch or bed doing absolutely nothing. The choice is yours.

I believe that if you put these 7 things into practise, you will begin to see a positive shift in your mood and overall mental health. If I am being authentic, I have not perfected all 7 practices. I am a work in progress but aren’t we all? Comment in the comment section. What are some of the things that you are doing to boost your mental health during this lockdown? In the words of Mandy Hale, remember that ‘ it’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary’.

    The three deadly C’s you should not adopt in 2020.

    by Nicole Powell

    We are two weeks into a new decade, the year that everyone has been raving about. This is the year where people appear to be more determined than ever to throw old habits out of the window and surge towards bigger and better things. The words ‘twenty-twenty’ seem to leave a sweet flavour in the mouth, a palate of new beginnings and victories. But in order to cross the finish line towards your goals and dreams, there are three deadly C’s that you should not adopt in 2020. Read on to see what they are, and their antidotes.

    Deadly C# 1-Comparison:

    “Comparison is the thief of joy”

    It was Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the USA who cited this quote and it still holds true to this day. In the age of social media, it is very easy for us to compare ourselves to the images of people we see online. We can get stuck into wishing that we have the luxury lives of the people we see flashing on our screens. What we have to realise is that social media is controlled content, and people tend to portray only the best parts of them. Even in our everyday living we get drawn into likening what we have to what our friends, colleagues or neighbours have; from our cars, houses, jobs, finances and even relationships.

    The Antidote: Be inspired:  Look at people’s achievements, not to compare but to inspire you to want to do better, and be better. Use their attainments as a benchmark for where you want to be. Tell yourself that if he or she can achieve it, so can you.  Develop self-awareness so that you are able to tune into those moments when you begin to compare yourself to someone else; in this way you are better able to stop your mind from doing so. Focus on yourself, so that your energy is diverted towards improving your own life.

    Deadly C #2-Competing:

    “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms”

    This Zen Shin quote creates such a vivid picture. Visualise with me if you may, a garden of flowers, all beautiful in their own way, daffodils, hibiscuses, roses and tulips. They are each unique: hues of yellows, reds and purples. The daffodil does not stop to envy the rose’s petals, or wishes that it was red instead of yellow. The hibiscus does not day dream about the tulip, wishing that it had its shape. They just bloom. Likewise, we as humans, particularly women, should not compete with each other. Your purpose is not the other woman’s purpose, neither is your journey hers, nor vice versa.

    The Antidote: Compete with the old version of yourself: Self-help Writer Edmond Mbiaka said it best, ‘the only competition that matters the most, is competing to become better than your old self’. You should be competing with the past version of your ‘self’ to change deep-rooted negative habits and self-limiting beliefs. Compete with the man in the mirror, or the woman staring back from its reflection. Be ok with being imperfect because perfection is a myth. As you start to focus on your ‘self’ and attend to your own affairs you will begin to see the antiquated versions of you dwindle away, until they are no longer there. If I were to add one more thing, it would be to bloom where you are planted!

    Deadly C #3-Complaining:

    “Complaining is a complete waste of one’s energy. Those who complain the most accomplish the least”

     Those are the words of Robert Tew, a former British professional rugby player. I absolutely agree with Robert, and couldn’t have said it better myself. It is oh so easy for us to complain, even about the simplest things. We complain when it rains too much, doesn’t rain, when it’s too hot, or too cold. We complain about work, our children, the economy, our bodies, and the list goes on.

    The Antidote: Practise gratitude: It is amazing what happens when we are simply grateful for the things that we do have, instead of complaining about the things that we don’t have. Scientific studies have shown that gratitude activates the Hypothalamus, the part of our brain that regulates sleep, temperature, growth and metabolism. So, if you are up at nights counting sheep because you can’t sleep, you may want to start being grateful. Grab a note book, label it ‘Gratitude Journal’ and start recording the things that you are grateful for. And watch your life change in a positive way!

    We have all been victims of the three deadly C’s. But it is never too late to change old patterns and create new ones.

    Comment below and tell me which of the three deadly C’s you are most susceptible to, and how you will begin to implement changes in 2020.

    Four Dragons that attack Sisterhood and how to slay them.

    by Nicole Powell

    When you think of the term ‘Sisterhood’ what comes to mind? For me, I envision a circle of women supporting each other, being the crutch when her fellow sister is too weak to stand on her own. I think of each woman being the other’s accountability partner and defending each other against the world.

    If I were to add a few more ingredients to this medley, I’d add laughter and tears. Women , sisters if you may, sharing both happiness and sadness with equal energy. In a perfect world this would be the canvas on which Sisterhood is painted. In reality, Sisterhood is not always picture perfect. There are many dragons that rear their heads at the sorority that we call ‘Sisterhood’. Let’s talk about four of these dragons and how to slay them.

    Dragon #1: Gossip: Have you ever stopped to think why we as women gossip? I will give you a minute or two to gather your thoughts. No really, think about it. Gossip is used as a bonding tool between women, and without it many of us may find that we do not have anything in common with the women we call friends. It is what our mothers unconsciously taught us by talking about another woman with the next door neighbour, or giving her ‘two cents’ about Susan where it was not needed. It is learned behaviour. A rumour, a piece of information passed to the wrong person has the ability to destroy the fabric of Sisterhood.

    How to slay the Dragon: Focus on developing yourself wholly. By shifting your attention to doing things that enhance your life, you will simply not have the time to gossip. All of your energy will be geared towards fulfilling a purpose. But there is always someone who will try to steer you off course by starting a negative conversation. Politely decline and excuse yourself. You can say something like this, ‘I do not feel comfortable talking about this, if you’ll excuse me’.

    Dragon # 2: Envy: Jealousy is a human trait and universal experience, just like love, joy, anger or greed . There is nothing wrong with wishing that you had the talents that your friend has , the relationship, the financial stability or that you get to travel the world like she does. We all aspire to have nice things; a good life . You should however be happy when another woman is receiving her blessings because it means that it is possible for you too . Where it becomes toxic is when you allow yourself to be so engrossed in your sister’s accomplishments that you become bitter, and cannot share in her happiness. And this is where Envy comes in, which is the flip side of Jealousy. Envy is where you feel that your sister does not deserve what she has, and that you should have it instead . This is a breeding ground for hatred . If Jealousy is the seed , Envy is the fruit .

    How to slay the Dragon: A woman who is truly confident in her own skin and abilities is a woman who does not compare herself to the next woman. Comparison is the thief of joy and it leads to insecurity. Insecurity, Jealousy and Envy go hand in hand . When these feelings arise use the emotions to inspire and motivate you. Tap into your potential and resources. Strive to become the best version of ‘You’. Recognise your self-worth, practise gratitude for what you have and stop comparing yourself to others.

    Dragon #3: Insecurity: I’d like to bet that you’ve either heard , or said these words yourself ‘She thinks she’s all that’. They were likely shot at another woman, either as she’d left or entered the room. The ‘She’ referred to is most often a woman who is smart, sure of herself and has accomplished a lot in life. Or, you are constantly criticising what the other woman wears. This equates to you not being sure of your own ‘self’. What you are really saying (if you are to dig deep into your subconscious) is ‘I wish I was that confident to wear something like that’ or ‘I wish I was that accomplished’. Often times we project our insecurities onto our sisters and what we ought to be doing is deal with our own internal issues.

    How to slay the Dragon: We all have insecurities, but that doesn’t mean that we have to allow them to dictate our relationship with ourselves or with others. The first step is admission. Sit with yourself and evaluate your weaknesses. Once you have identified what they are, make a conscious effort to improve them. Drawing from the scenarios above, instead of criticising what the next woman is wearing find something positive to say; maybe she has a nice hair style, compliment that instead of negatively commenting on her outfit. Or, say nothing at all. And the next time ‘She’ walks in the room you can greet her with a smile instead of a catty remark.

    Dragon #4: Insincerity: Eight letters, one word-Pretence. That is what insincerity boils down to. The woman who carries this banner of façade usually portrays one persona in the presence of her sister and another in her absence. She is a chameleon. In the public she has nothing but good things to say to her sister, but as soon as her back turns, all claws come out. She is the caricature of someone who gives you a hug , and attacks while your back is turned -a fitting description of a back stabber.

    How to slay the Dragon: If you are the one who is insincere to your sister, you might want to be real with yourself . After all, why would you want to be friends with someone who you secretly despise? You will be doing the both of you a favour by setting some boundaries. This is a very toxic trait and you may want to explore why you are exhibiting this characteristic. If you are on the receiving end, and you are aware that your sister is not as sincere as she appears to be, you need to decide if this friendship is worth keeping in your life. Or, set some boundaries and stick to them.

    If we are truly honest with ourselves we all have missed the mark when it comes to sisterhood, in one form or another. No judgement here , I am the first to raise my hand . That’s accountability , that’s growth. There is so much more that we can do if we are united than if we are divided. I am not saying that every woman is to be your buddy, of course not, because not everyone is for you and vice versa. What I am saying, in no uncertain terms, is that we ought to stop tearing our sister down at every chance that we get. And to the women who are the embodiment of what Sisterhood looks like; I see you, I salute you.

    How will you begin to spark the flame that lights the torch of Sisterhood? What are some changes that you will implement?

    Comment in the comment section and let me know. Share this post on your social media platforms: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Linkedin.

    Why being single may be the icing on your cake.

    by Nicole Powell

    You have broken up with your boyfriend for what seems like forever. And Beyoncé’s ‘If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it’ has become your anthem. You can’t quite seem to figure out why someone hasn’t snatched you up off the single market yet.  Surely, your infectious personality must count for something, and you are easy on the eye too. You are constantly bombarded by your doting mother (and married friends) with the familiar and equally annoying question ‘when are you going to get married?”.  Read on for five reasons why being single may be the icing on your cake, and why you should not rush to the Altar (just yet).

    • You get to focus on yourself

    This is the time when you get to develop and ‘find yourself’.  Explore the world and your talents. Do all the things that you truly love to do: paint, write, draw, and if you are feeling adventurous, maybe even go bungee jumping! The world is your oyster!

    • You make decisions on your own

    If you are a woman who likes to do what you want, how and when you want, then you might want to bask in your singleness for a bit longer. As a single woman, your decisions are your own. As a married woman, you do not have the liberty of making decisions by yourself. You have to take your spouse’s viewpoints into consideration.

    • You have more time for yourself

    Who doesn’t want more time for themselves? When you are a single woman, you don’t have the same responsibilities as a married one does. Without a husband to cater to, time is not a luxury for you, it is a gift!

    • You become more resilient

    You get to handle difficult situations by yourself. With no husband to turn to for help or advice, overtime you develop the skills of problem solving. The end result is that you become more resilient. Talk about girl power!

    • You get to sleep ( more comfortably)

    Do you like to have the entire bed to yourself? Then you might just want to hold off from getting that shiny diamond ring. Without a husband sharing your bed, you get to toss and turn as much as you want to! And there is no one hogging the blanket, or nudging you in the rib when your foot finds its way to the other side of the bed. Ouch!

    What you may not know is that I am married (Plot twist!). I have written this post because I have heard too many women lament over their singleness as if getting married is the pinnacle of success. Marriage is great (to the right man and for the right reasons) but don’t let it be your main focus. Remember that the number 1 is a whole number, and you don’t need another person to be complete.

    Are you still eager to rush to the Altar, or are you going to revel in your singleness for a tad bit longer? Why or Why not? Share your comments in the comment section.